THE STORY OF A DARK ROMANTIC
by Carolynn Rogers Larson

t feels so great to know that I am not alone. I would love to add my testimony to your site and pray that it can help others the way your testimony has given me hope.

I am a proud mother of a 13-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. My husband and I work with the youth group at our church. We are leaders of the drama team and since we took on this task, God has really opened me up and I truly feel Him using me.

Maybe it's because I don't look like the average “mom,” “youth leader,” or “Christian” for that matter but we are all called as one body to serve The Lord and I am finding it more and more of an honor everyday.

My grandfather, Rev. Charles Houston Baggett Sr., was a Baptist Preacher in a small town in Soddy Daisy, TN. I was considered his shadow because I went with him everywhere. Whether it was outside to do yard work or to a house where he was going to minister to a family.

I cherished every moment that I had with him.

When I was around nine, my brother got “saved” at church and was baptized. I wanted to know why I couldn't be “saved,” I went to church every Sunday. I began asking everyone that would listen, questions about how to become a Christian.

My parents explained to me that it usually comes when you reach a certain age that you feel The Holy Spirit knocking upon your heart and you go to God in prayer and ask Him to come into life and save you.

I didn't understand. Save me from what?

I went to my grandfather and spoke to him about it and he said that God would save me from Satan, that every time I did something “bad” (lied, stole, cheated, disobeyed my parents, etc.), it was a sin. And when you sin, you need to ask God to forgive you. He explained to me that even after I became a Christian that I would sin but the key was to believe that Jesus had died for me and to always acknowledge my sin to my new Father and He would forgive me.

My grandfather asked me if I had committed any sins that I wanted to admit to him about and I immediately said, “No, I don't think so...Umm, I don't know...Umm...Let me get back to you on that one.”

I knew that I had sinned but I was too afraid to own up to them.

Weeks passed. My grandfather's church was having a revival. An evangelist by the last name of Marshall preached the message. I don't remember much of the message, but I remember vividly an overwhelming pounding inside my chest.

All the things that I had done wrong—caught the field on fire because I was playing with matches, stole a dollar out of my mom's purse—all those things were weighing heavy on my heart. I had a friend sitting beside me and I was afraid that she was going to notice that I was crying but I couldn't help it.

I sat there praying for God to help me. I was so sorry for the things I had done. I wanted my life to be different. I wanted to live for Him and make Him proud.

When the preacher gave the invitation, I was hesitant but when I went down to the altar I ran. I ran down and fell on my knees and pleaded for God to come into my heart. I loved Him beyond measure and I was thankful for His son Jesus.

My grandparents, parents and Marshall asked me if I knew what being “saved” meant. I was crying hard but I told them that it meant that I would no longer go to hell. It meant that I was God's child and I would live for Him, and all the bad things that I had done were forgiven. They all looked at each other and nodded their heads, they were crying, I was crying. It was very emotional.

I even remember the dress I was wearing, it was a pale yellow sundress with dark yellow flowers on it and I had on the little white lace socks with black patent leather shoes. I wanted to remember that moment forever and I feel God etched it into my soul in every detail so I would always know that I belong to Him.

A week later my grandfather baptized me and about two years later he passed away. I can't tell you what this memory means to me in words that fully describe it's worth.

It’s all kind of crazy when I think about it but it makes so much sense to me now. When I was about three or four, I used to sit up with my oldest brother for hours watching black and white scary movies. You know the ones... Frankenstein, Dracula, things about werewolves.

I am going to share with you an embarrassing little secret. My brother had drawn a picture of Frankenstein’s Monster in one of those sketchpads and I stole it. I kept it hidden under my bed and each night after I said my little prayer... “Now I lay me down to sleep...” etc. I would kiss that picture of Frankenstein’s Monster because I felt so sorry for it. He was scary but all he wanted was for someone to understand him, he couldn't speak and I too have had that problem where I couldn't speak because I was too afraid of what others would think of me.

The point I am trying to get at is that even when I was three or four... God knew His plan for me then, though I had absolutely no clue.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nation.”

He made me how I am for the sole reason to reach out to people who are different or awkward, gothic, punk, computer nerds, skaters, and even jocks. You do not have to fit a certain image to be anything you want to be especially a Christian. All you need to do is obey God and believe in Him with all your heart that He sent His Son, Jesus, into this world to die for all our sin and that He rose again.

For years I have struggled with being different. I was ashamed of the things that made me seem to be a freak. I tried to dress preppy and hang out with the popular kids at school thinking if I blended in no one would notice. I thought I wasn't a Christian for liking such things and how could God use this for His glory?

The people I did tell about my interests reacted exactly how I thought they would and said some pretty mean things. I doubted myself for the longest time but I always prayed about it and asked God to show me why I am the way that I am. And now he has.

Yeah, I am interested in dark gloomy things and I may wear a lot of black but God has shown me that He had plans to use that for His glory all along. So never be afraid to be who you are.

1st Samuel 16:7 says, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature... for the Lord does not see as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Trust in God and God alone. He will always direct your path, even if you take a wrong turn.

It is hard when people you have always admired become ashamed or embarrassed by you.  When you come from a small Bible-belt town that is predominantly Southern Baptist; it's not easy to be accepted with the whole “Goth” look. I have been accused many times of being addicted to the occult for my interest and that hurt me deeply. Then I just became somewhat hardened to the comments. Now I have softened and feel pity for people who jump to conclusions. I pray for them that somehow through me I can change their perceptions.

The Fire Inside

God, sometimes I wonder why you made me the way I am
A misfit among society
A little black bird amongst the lambs
Through every trial I have faced
You have stuck right by my side
And you have made my heart feel beautiful
You have taught me not to hide
You take me into darkness where others do not go
In hopes to release the cage we have placed around their souls
I feel that maybe this is why
You have set me apart
It is not in how you look. It is what is in your heart
Through any darkness Lord,
It is You who makes me shine
And I want to tell the world...
You are the fire inside

A Dark Romantic,
Carolynn Rogers Larson