LIFE A PARADOX
by O

've always been afraid of hell.

More than anything I feared to fail, to fall. But what made me even more terrified is that people feared for me. I'm Goth, yes, and that does not in the least mean that I'm occult. I am not.

I'm a hard Christian who had more to fear than most. I feared that my interests would doom me. I feared that my faith was not enough. I always felt a pang in my stomach as I thought of my destiny. I remember never feeling good enough. That I was sinning, that I was a hypocrite and that God wouldn't accept me. I tried to change, but that was a hopeless attempt. I was a paradox: a self contradiction. A Christian Goth.

Though to my greatest ease of mind, I realized that body and soul are not one in the same. Christianity is to except the Lord our God and his Son Jesus Christ our Savior. To follow the Word. To do as He says.

But that realization took time. At first my friends would fear for my life. They would try and get me to pull away from myself. But I couldn't, I couldn't abandon myself. They told me I was gambling with my soul, that it was much too high a price. That damnation was eternal, irreversible. I knew that, I knew that better than anyone could know, and that was the root of my fear.

The Church would not help me. I wanted to tell them that I was frightened. That I was lost and I didn't know what to do. But they looked down on me. They would not hear a word I spoke; they only tried to convince me to change. They never once tried to help me, only to change me into some one who wouldn't need help.

I started worrying more and more. I was going crazy with anxiety. I couldn't cope, I couldn't breathe. I would cry at night, out of loneliness and fear and hopelessness. I was utterly lost and no one would help me.

I struggled for a very long time, never being able to convince myself that I was okay. Back then I wasn’t okay. I was wrong, a hypocrite, an outcast from my faith. I always thought that hell was inevitable for me. That I would suffer forever and ever and never reach God. I did not want to suffer, but I always believed that there was nothing I could do. That I really was truly doomed. That that was my fate and that I had to take it. I could never relax, I was always afraid that I would die the next day and that I hadn’t tried hard enough. But I knew I could never really try hard enough. I knew I would never be ready to die. Death always equaled hell for me. To me the Lord hated me.

I could never speak to my parents of my heavy soul. They lacked the capability to listen. The whole world did.

Then my first life line was thrown.

Then my eyes fell to a popularity at the time. Twilight. I didn't know what all the fuss was about, I mainly just ignored it. But then I idly saw the movie, read the books-many times over-and I was irrevocably hooked. Not only was it the worlds most painfully beautiful love story ever told, but surprised me by answering my question. The vampires in the story did not hunt humans. Though it would be very easy-a relief-to give in and kill. But they turned away from their nature to keep their humanity despite the hand they were dealt. I remember the awe I felt for them. How could anyone hope enough to even consider such a sacrifice in self restraint?

It made me realize that any human-even any nonhuman-can be a Christian. Despite the hand they are delta, the fate they receive, the life they live. If you love Him enough to hold tightly to your faith then you have hope. Everyone has hope. Repent in soul and it will be saved. If you truly want redemption, you honestly believe, and you follow his will, then salvation waits.

Then my second life line was thrown.

I’d never actually studied the Bible too hard. I was scared of what I might find. But then decided that I should take a good look. I was amazed by what I saw. The Word spoke nothing of people who dressed in black and showed interest in undead. It talked of evil practices. Things that I knew were wrong: occult type things like witchcraft and black magic. I saw nothing of Goths and that stunned me. Everyone had made it seem like it was one of the hated practices-though it’s not a practice at all. They’d spoken like I’d bowed down to Satan, though I could never dream of such things. That made me even surer that I was okay. That I wasn’t doing wrong. That the Lord loved me.

I still embody black. I'm still Goth. There is nothing I can possibly do about that. There is nothing I want to do about that. I like vampires and black roses and skulls. I like stories like Vampire Kisses and Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side and especially Twilight. I like television shows like Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries. I do not worship them. I never have and I never will. I worship Him. It took me so very long to figure out that I had no reason to fear. I’m still weary with wasted time and energy. But when I finally did I could breathe at very long last.

And the fear that consumed me was eased. I finally felt free.