THE STORY OF NEVER MIMIC

hen I was a young girl, I loved God very much. My whole world and my heart was Jesus. As I got older, I experienced a lot of hardships because my parents would constantly fight. Their battles made me feel that I was unloved and unwanted. I thought it was my fault, and the fact that I was born, to cause them to be like that. Growing up was hard. There was allot of yelling and harshness…and because of that, to this day I cannot tolerate it when people yell or are “hard.”

I was very naive and created a fantasy world that everything was ok. When reality set in it set in hard, and I did not know how to handle it. I was full of pain, rage, depression and hate. I was afraid of God, and viewed Him as a harsh monster that wanted me to be so perfect, and would cast me out at the slightest thing that I did wrong. I viewed myself, as a mutation of an unwanted life that was not worthy of experiencing or even thinking of wanted to know what love is. I truly believed that I was a mistake…that I was not meant to be here. I hid within myself all the time. I craved isolation because I knew that being alone kept me from being rejected and ridiculed. I was made fun of in high school, constantly compared to my sister, and I could not get along with hardly anyone. So I also developed a very low self esteem. I constantly called myself fat, ugly, vile, disgusting, etc. I put up so many walls that were impenetrable and caused me to come across as an untouchable hard ass…but inside I was writhing with emotional pain and longing for someone to reach out without judging me.

When my parents finally divorced…I felt somewhat of a relief. At least I would not have to hear the fighting anymore. I also felt freedom. I did not feel constricted or that there was a constant eye upon me. So I began to start experiencing some things. First, I started drinking. I overindulged in this to the point of being obnoxious. I had never felt anything like it before. It felt good to not be in control of my body and to feel light headed and basically “out of it”. It did no good for my soul though, it made the pain even greater, which made my drunkenness even more difficult to deal with from my friends and family. I was very uncontrollable and violent…to the point people had to hold me down because I would try to attack…with the intent to kill.

My experience with cutting started soon after. The first time I dug so deep into my wrist that I almost hit bone. The physical pain was very euphoric for me. It released the pressure and mental torture of the moment…but when the “euphoria” was over, the emotional pain and mental unrest would always come back even stronger like it has a vengeance. The more pain I felt, the more the scars would accumulate. Little did I know…the cutting was opening a doorway for demons into my life.

I eventually tried to kill myself…not just with the knife…. but with pills and running the car off the road. I took pills whenever I could get my hands on them…Excedrin, Tylenol, Nyquil, Vicaprofin, Xanex, etc. At one point I took 8 pills a day of extra strength Excedrin (500 mg each), for a year straight, this lead to more drinking and then to sex. I lost my virginity at 24 and started smoking. I eventually met a group of people that would do the greatest harm for what walk with God that I had. I started smoking weed and snorting coke. I became engaged to a man that I thought was my knight in shining armor…only to realize that I was only there for him to have access to easy sex. I did many disgusting things with him I was giving myself over to a reprobate mind. But the whole time, during all of this I would still talk to God and go to church, and tried for a relationship with Him.

Well, I got sick of living the way I was. I found myself being attracted to very evil things. I developed a bloodlust, not of any blood I saw, but of my own. I would cut sometimes just to lick my own blood off my arms. I began to see things…things I knew were not good. Images flashed in my mind, thoughts of pure evil and torture racked my brain. I was buying demonic music and watching the most obscene of horror movies. I found a deep fascination with these things, and wanted more. I “prayed” for more encounters of this sort. I wanted so much to be a vampire or join a cult because I felt that there. I would experience acceptance and loyalty.

God decided He had other plans for my life.

I eventually let God open my eyes to the whole situation and to what my ex fiancé and these people were all about. I ended our relationship and cried out to God.

In October of 2005, before I headed off to college, I was at a friend’s house. I wanted her and my sister to pray with me that I would be delivered of this demon or demons. At first nothing happened. So we went outside, and I began to pray against it myself. After about 20 minutes…I coughed the sucker out and it was commanded to go into a dry place.

Since then, God has been slowly purging everything out of me that smacks of evil or hinders Him in my life. I no longer have a bloodlust, although blood does not freak me out. I no longer have a desire to do evil or be apart of evil…and my fascination with the Gothic Culture is no longer masked with the eyes of demons. I see it for what it is now, and the beauty of it.

My relationship with God is getting better and stronger. I have a lot to deal with, and a long way to go, and there are still things that I deal with inside because of the possession and the thoughts of worthlessness but God is helping me through that as well. I have put all the drugs down and the drunkenness (although an occasional beer does not hurt). I still smoke and curse, but I see them as much smaller things compared to what else I have experienced.

God has told me that He is taking me to a place to no other person has ever been, places that other people are afraid to go. And I am very excited about that. He has equipped me for this with my lack of fear of demonic activity. He has also shown me in a dream who my future husband is and a tiny glimpse of what we are to do. All I know is that we will be a known as the “Dynamic Duo”. God is truly the man. And it is from my experiences, trials and tribulations that I know He loves us more than we realize and is not so willing to give up on us, contrary to what is being taught in many churches.

God is love, and He has shown that to me in a mighty way.

In Christ,
NEVER MIMIC